We have in our systems “giraffe juice” – the natural body chemical that is generated whenever we see we have enriched life. It becomes a wonderful addiction. The purpose of expressing genuine gratitude is to stay conscious that it is the fun game to play.
One of our universal needs is to contribute to meeting other people’s needs. A universal need is intrinsic – it comes from inside us. To offer others an opportunity to contribute to meeting our needs is a precious gift we can give to others.
Dominator culture subverts the natural process of gratitude by using praise and compliments as rewards intended to manipulate compliant behavior (as in “Good job!” – read Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards). Dominator culture trains us to contribute for extrinsic reasons – reasons that are outside of us: rewards, approval from others, tax deductions, name recognition. Do not give gratitude as a reward. The motivation behind praise is often pure but the language undermines the intent. In gratitude the intent is to celebrate how our life has been enriched.
The gratitude learning loop starts with the intention to enrich life and it is realized with actions. When we receive feedback on how our actions have enriched life, we get the shot of giraffe juice that generates and strengthens the intention.
In offering gratitude, include the basic components of NVC honest expression:
In receiving gratitude, continue generating giraffe juice by saying to the other “I am glad I was able to share something I was given that is useful to you.” (to yourself: “I am grateful for what I have received that allows me to give.”). If we say after receiving gratitude feedback, “oh, it’s nothing” we don’t support the flow of giraffe juice and we don’t generate it in ourselves. Instead of “you’re welcome,” try “joyfully given” or “my pleasure.” And though the choice of words is meaningful, remember that it is not the words but the intent and the connection that matter.
Our need is to contribute to life. Contributing to life is not about ego. Approval and reassurance are strategies to tell us whether we have contributed to life but they are based in someone else judging our behavior (good/bad, smart/stupid, etc). Replace approval and reassurance with empathic connection and honest reaction. Gratitude, or appreciation, is a universal need. Appreciation from a particular person is a strategy. Appreciation is telling other people (or ourselves) how their behavior has contributed to meeting our needs.
Try these practices:
Adapted by Jerry Koch-Gonzalez from Marshall Rosenberg workshops on 11/6/03 & 11/20/04
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Institute for Peaceable Communities jerry@communicatingwithcompassion.org
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