NEVER SAY SORRY: APOLOGIES IN GIRAFFE

Think of a mistake you made. Take a sample of how you talk to yourself when you are less than perfect. Often these messages don’t take the form of a judgment directly, but take the form of a question that implies judgment. This way we talk to ourselves is very important. It is hard for us to create the world we want to live in if we talk to ourselves in this way. We are a part of the violence on the planet because I (Marshall) personally believe this kind of thinking creates the violence on the planet.

We have been educated for many years to have a retributive (punitive) justice system based on the belief of compensation (both within ourselves and to others). If you do something that is a mistake, you must pay for it, you deserve to suffer for what you have done. We also have an internal retributive system. We pass judgment on ourselves, designed to make us feel shame, guilt and depression. We make people hate themselves for making mistakes. We don’t try to correct the system or the way of thinking. Punitive justice is based on the belief that we have to get people to hate themselves in order to change their attitudes and behaviors.

Apologies are violent things to do to people,

Because at that moment the person is mostly needing empathy

And if the apology comes out of my thinking that what I did was wrong,

Then it’s associated with guilt and shame,

And the other person will pay for that.

Restorative justice : “This person has forgotten how good it feels to contribute to another persons life.” There is a culture that has a practice of making a circle around a person who acted in a way that did not serve life and reminding that person of all the ways and times that they contributed to others life, to help him/her remember how much he/she enjoys contributing to others’ lives. Restorative justice is a theory of justice that emphasizes repairing the harm caused or revealed by criminal behaviour. It is best accomplished through cooperative processes that include all stakeholders.

Giraffe (Compassionate) Mourning

• Giraffe mourning is an expression of loss of what could have been, not a blame of what should have been.
• Giraffe mourning is saying I would like to have met my own needs differently, not that I "should" have done something, i.e. that I was wrong or bad.
• Giraffe mourning is showing our true pain at any way that our behavior has contributed to stimulating pain in another.
• Giraffe mourning helps us learn. Throughout our life we do things we wouldn’t do if we knew then what we will learn later.
• When you empathize, there is nothing left to forgive, so forgiveness and empathy in Giraffe are essentially the same thing.

Steps in Giraffe Mourning

1. the person in pain (PERSON A) tells the offending person (PERSON B) what A observed, the feelings stimulated, and the need not met (honest expression – may be delivered by jackal express)
2. the offending person (PERSON B) offers empathy to the person in pain (PERSON A) for what’s alive now in A in relationship to what happened (empathic listening)
3. the offending person (PERSON B) does giraffe mourning by telling A how B feels now that B has seen A’s pain, and what needs of B are connected to B’s feelings (honest expression)[ Careful to move slowly. No rush to understanding or forgiveness. Only when ready move to next step. A: Why did you do it? B: Are you willing to hear?]
4. the offending person (PERSON B) tells A what was alive in B that led them to behave as they behaved - the feelings and needs that were behind B’s hurtful behavior (honest expression)
5. the person in pain (PERSON A) offers empathy to the offending person (PERSON B) for what was alive in B that led them to behave as they behaved.

Adapted by Jerry Koch-Gonzalez from lectures by Marshall Rosenberg, 3/19/04

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